Is Kink OK - Varations in Swinging

Two women dancing near the door, one a blonde, the other sporting a rich, kinky do. Hip-hopping to exhaustion, they laugh and entwine, their bare breasts sandwiched between them.

"A gay ball?" Samantha asks. "Guess again," says Karl, watching as two men approach the dancers. Apparently they are friends, for the four head off to an exhibition room across the way.

The exhibits unroll before their eyes as they enter a mammoth room. Erotic paintings and sculpture abound, while tables and walls are filled with--the accoutrements of pleasure: exotic features, merry widows, leather hoods. A scrolling garland welcomes them to "Leather World '93."

"Sami!" shouts a tall blonde as she hurries to their side. The couple are showered with hugs and kisses from Carol, one of their swinging friends. "Lisa and Frank are here too," she tells them. "They're holding a party in 201."

Samantha and Karl feel much more at ease. Now they know their odyssey through Leather World '93 will end in the familiar bosom of swinging friends. But first, they have exhibits to explore and a ball to prowl. Tonight, they're going to see how the other half plays.

Leather World, taking place October 22, 23 and 24 in Chicago, brings lovers of every erotic stripe together. Many swingers attend--and no surprise. Barriers are dissolving. In the Naughty Nineties, sexual subcultures like swinging and B&D are going mainstream.

In Madonna's book Sex, the blond bombshell swings up a storm. Over thirty nude photos show her in bed with two men; more than a score show her trading kisses with leather-clad lesbians, and 24-odd pix depict Madonna cavorting with a Caribbean couple.

So, is kink OK? I remember when the first B&D seminars graced Conclave and Lifestyles. More than a few couples said it would hurt swinging to mix with the "way outs" of other erotic worlds. But swingers crowded in, and to this day B&D demos are the best- attended seminars at swing conventions.

Why is that? The reasons are many, but why ask why? We live in an age exploding with options. Dig in and enjoy!

Recently, we surveyed swingers, nudists, leather buffs and other lovers. What did we find? Like Samantha and Karl, people are exploring many options to see what tickles their fancy.

To begin with, Sixty-five percent of the sample was composed of couples, whether married or living together. Another fifth have a regular girlfriend, boyfriend, or lover. Fully 83% share a relationship of one style or another.

Surprisingly, given the diversity of the group, their predominate lifestyle isn't conventional marriage, and it isn't B&D. It's swinging. Almost two-thirds have been to swing clubs, placed ads in contact magazines, or explored mate sharing through swinging friends.

This is a striking statement about erotic adventure in the '90s, for our sample hailed from the American heartland. To begin, stow the notion that the media tends to get of swingers as jet- setters found only in the artsy nightclubs of New York or the Esalen-type retreats of California. Our respondents said swinging is alive and well in all four corners of the U.S.

East . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15%

Midwest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19%

North . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8%

South . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26%

West . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20%

What's more, though these people defy the rules of traditional marriage, they're not wild-eyed radicals or members of offbeat sex communes. prudes and other critics of the lifestyle would learn a lot from this profile of sex-positive Americans:

Professional/white collar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61%

Blue collar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24%

Student/homeworker . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11%

Other . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4%

Conservative . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22%

Liberal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38%

Middle of the road . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40%

We so often see swingers presented on talk shows or in the wild, uninhibited orgies of porn. What are they like on the home front? Well listen, Geraldo--they share the same devotion to community and family as other Americans. Half in this study are parents--and half of these have children living at home.

Carla is a 38-year-old woman living with her husband and child in Concord, NC. Her middle-income parents were political moderates, and they were an affectionate family. Yet she says, "My mother and my father did not adequately discuss sex with me." A loner in high school, she masturbated often and did not have sex until meeting her husband 15 years ago. Thus it was with anxious joy that she visited her first swing club, Carolina Friends.

"Everybody was friendly and helpful," she says of the party. She drank to soothe her nerves and felt she got a little "carried away," but the other couples understood. "No one seemed to be judgmental."

Carla says she is very open with her own family about sex, and vows that she will provide the contraceptives if one day she finds herself the mother of a sexually active teenager. Though still new to swinging, it has expanded her horizons.

A post-script: Her husband's really looking forward to their next encounter! Says Carla: "He was too shy to swing the first time."

The overwhelming majority of parents in this poll say that today, sex/AIDS ed should begin early. Few other answers drew such emphatic response. In short, swingers are the kind of parents educators would love.

So would any political candidate. The "swing vote" represents solid Middle Americans, as our next figures show.

Married . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53%

Living together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12%

Divorced/Single . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32%

Under $10,000 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12%

$10,000-$34,999 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33%

$35,000-$74,999 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41%

$75,000 or more . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14%

Protestant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39%

Catholic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15%

Atheist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4%

Jewish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4%

Agnostic, Baptist, Buddhist, etc. . . . . . . . . . . . . 38%

Attended a religious service in the last year . . . . . . 47%

In all, over 90 percent are religious. However, individuality abounds. Several write-ins say they belong to the ancient, nature- positive Pagans--who held mystic orgy rituals thousands of years ago.

Lilith, 37, leads a full life between her family, job and collegiate studies. When the calendar brings a full moon or other sacred day, she also appreciates the fullness of nature through Druidism. Tuned to natural rhythms, she says, "As a lover, I prefer someone who is capable of going with the flow."

No matter what faith our respondents named, most say they "go with the flow" when it comes to sex--which is probably how they reconcile their devotion with swinging. They redefine morality to encompass sexual sharing.

Lilith readily shares her sexuality with chosen partners, and when she and her husband attend parties, they're always open to untried thrills. She wrote a detailed account of their sexual encounters with a ribald group of friends. Though normally a gentle and sensuous woman, she was aroused when a friend at one of the partners pleasured her with hard, driving sex.

"Don came by and asked if I had ever fucked anyone really hard and fast," she recalls. "He arranged cushions on the floor with two under my hips so that I would be very accessible. As a hint of the action to come, he said they'd also serve as 'shock absorbers!' His words set off a spark between my legs.

"He fingered my pussy, finding it moist, and applied some of my witness to lubricate his penis. I nodded with a smile and he placed his dick at the lips of my vagina. He pushed forward with a defiant grunt. In one thrust he had his cock up me to the hilt.

"The spark between my legs fired off again and again as he began to drive in and out, gaining speed as fast as he could. The force of his thrusts focused me on the raw sensation of it all and there seemed to be nothing in the world except the throbbing of my walls as they clamped around the hardness of his cock.

"I responded to his thrusts by raising my buttocks from the cushions and lifting my knees high to give him deeper penetration. My eyes were closed. A continuous moaning poured from my throat, keeping pace with his anguished breathing."

Lilith, even though she is highly orgasmic when making languorous love to her husband, was startled at the immediacy of her response when Don thrashed hurriedly to orgasm. Her body arched and bucked as if powered by an ancient, overwhelming force.

"Suddenly, it was all over as I fell back onto the cushions with a cry of ecstasy. My juices streamed from my pussy onto my thighs as he pulled his dripping penis out of me."

You can hear her voice rise in exclamation as she concludes: "This was my most exciting encounter."

What bluenoses find hard to accept is that people who enjoy sex with recreational glee can otherwise seem unassuming, dignified folks. Our respondents are pillars of society and solid family people.

The swinging lifestyle makes this paradox possible. One thing researchers learned years ago is that swingers have formed a subculture and social values which allow them to depart from sexual norms, yet live conventional, successful lives in every other way.

In the '90s, swinging's achievement runs parallel to other lifestyles, like nudism and B&D. Nude camps and leather dens offer escape to men and women who, like swingers, can pursue ordinary lives by day, escaping to extraordinary thrills at night.

Their parallel course is drawing different lovers closer together. Each subculture has grown more organized and accessible, and more aware of other erotic vistas. Note, again, that Leather World '93 is almost a direct translation of Swingers Conclave. Mate sharers feel quite comfortable with its format of workshops, parties, and the Saturday night ball. In fact, flyers for the fest were mailed to swingers by Executive North, Conclave's host.

Twenty years ago, such neighborliness among nookiephiles was unknown. Ten years later, when I first surveyed swingers, many did not approve of rubbing elbows--or anything else--with "leather freaks." Now the pageantry and passion of B&D prove a delight to swingers.

All right then, how do our respondents rate sexually? We asked men and women to name their favorite erotic pastimes. At once, we can see the '90s are a time when anything goes (and everyone comes)!

Fantasy/role-playing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40%

Fellatio/cunnilingus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90%

Mutual masturbation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72%

Adult toys . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74%

Anal intercourse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76%

B&D . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24%

S&M . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12%

Swinging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57%

Swingers explored more options than most. And yet, whether male or female, couple or single, swinger or straight--their tastes run a gamut. So do their fantasies.

"Dear Sirs: In reference to your survey of lovers in the '90s, I would like to share my ultimate fantasy. . ." So begins a letter from Barrigada, Guam, where Eleanor, 27, is living with her mate of seven years.

Her all-time fantasy runs thus: "My husband and I are in a hotel room. He tells me to strip and lie on the bed. He then takes out some silk scarves and ties me spread-eagle to the bed. Next he blindfolds me and leaves me for a moment in a heap of quivering anticipation.

"He opens the door and allows in four men who have masks on so that even if I could see through the blindfold I still would not have a clue as to their identity. I hear him tell them they can have their pleasure with me. My entire body becomes a plaything for their desires, and they ravage me in rather creative ways.

"After they are all satisfied, they leave without having uttered a word. My husband then unties me, removes the blindfold, and carries me into the bathroom where he washes me from head to toe. He then carries me back to the bedroom and makes love to me in his own special way."

Do Eleanor's desires reflect a thrill which is unmentionable-- or immortal? Remember that Shakespeare wrote of "the lover's pinch which hurts and is desired." Trobrian islanders bite one another's lips until blood flows. And the ancient sex manuals Kama Sutra and Anaga Ranga prescribe various sorts of bites, pinches and scratches that should accompany each stage of sexual arousal.

What do kink lovers say today? A light touch of B&D supercharges fantasy. A couple can enhance their normal lovemaking by including a few scarves or outgrageous costumes. In looking for couples into this kink, know the difference between B&D and the hardcore variety. S&M devotees say they reach fiery climaxes by driving sex to the level of maximum stimulation.

Tapping urges which have always found a home in our amorous unconscious, kink has come home on video (both in porno tapes and cinematic releases like Blue Velvet), in our daily paper (the New York Times launched an in-depth report on B&D with the publication of Sex), and on tabloid news shows.

Yes, it all 'cums' out in the '90s.

We hope our findings encourage lovers to feel more comfortable with their sexuality. Remember that with any thrill, the choice to partake--or not partake--is yours to make. And the range of vistas open to lovers makes it easier than ever to explore a rainbow of lovers and lifestyles.